Soon after the loss of our baby the numbness wore off. At that point I was angry. Really angry. Angry at God. I had handed him my husband's life on a crystal platter (begrudgingly)....I had been faithful (well sort of)....I wasn't the one who had decided that it was time to have this baby. God had given us this child and God had taken him away. WHY? Why not just not allow us to get pregnant? It just didn't make sense. I was a good mom...I wanted this baby....other people were having healthy babies who didn't even want them.
And while I held things together pretty well on the outside playing the role of the loving christian wife and mother. Inwardly it was a very dark time for me. It was also a very isolating time as I refused to voice these thoughts to others. To this day I'm not sure how this time ended. I know it was a process and I know that it was only through God's grace that today I can say that while I may never fully understand the many whys of life I do trust that God is working all things for my good.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Life Was Good... (May 08)
So life was going great. My husband was not fighting cancer. We were enjoying every minute with our daughter. Everything was perfect. Suddenly the question was raised...when to have another baby? There was never any doubt that there would be another baby as we both love children but all of a sudden we were thrust into trying to determine the proper spacing for our perfect family. What is not too close but not too far apart and what other factors should play a part in this decision? We were not sure....and then rather suddenly it seemed the decision was taken out of our hands....we were pregnant.... and ecstatic. We were convinced that this was the perfect situation as God had taken the decision making out of our hands and obviously said....NOW....now is the perfect time for you to have another baby.
Two weeks later my world fell apart. I had a spurt of bleeding. I went to my midwife and my blood work showed a large amount of hormone but the ultrasound did not show a baby. They told me that I was probably having a miscarriage and that I should go home and rest. I went home and laid on my couch for three days begging God to save my baby. During this time nothing else was going on and I was certain that God was answering my prayers by allowing this baby to live. I was convinced that my dates must be wrong and that explained the ultrasound. Three days later I begin experiencing a terrible pain in my side and I went back in to my midwife. It was my birthday and I was so convinced that everything was going to be fine. As we waited in the ultrasound room I told my husband that maybe the hormone level was so high without showing a baby because it was twins. Wouldn't that be awesome to find out that we were having twins on my birthday I asked him. I couldn't and wouldn't believe that I was losing my baby. My husband cautiously and encouragingly smiled at me but didn't have much to say. The ultrasound didn't show twins and it didn't show a healthy baby instead nestled in my tube was an ectopic pregnancy.
By this point the pain had dramatically increased and I was doubled over in agony. The next 24 hours was a blur of pain medication that didn't seem to work and surgery. And then before I knew it the nurse was coming in to fill out my discharge the paperwork. I was going home 9 months early and without the healthy baby that I had dreamed about. Yes this was a baby that had only been present in our minds for a short time but that didn't alter the loss that I felt.
I went home and at first I was just stunned. I couldn't believe that so much had changed in such a short time. I held my little girl and ached for a child who was not here. I couldn't cry...I wanted to cry and yet I felt so numb. I wanted to talk about my baby and yet there was really nothing to say. The dream was God and life would never be the same it seemed.
Two weeks later my world fell apart. I had a spurt of bleeding. I went to my midwife and my blood work showed a large amount of hormone but the ultrasound did not show a baby. They told me that I was probably having a miscarriage and that I should go home and rest. I went home and laid on my couch for three days begging God to save my baby. During this time nothing else was going on and I was certain that God was answering my prayers by allowing this baby to live. I was convinced that my dates must be wrong and that explained the ultrasound. Three days later I begin experiencing a terrible pain in my side and I went back in to my midwife. It was my birthday and I was so convinced that everything was going to be fine. As we waited in the ultrasound room I told my husband that maybe the hormone level was so high without showing a baby because it was twins. Wouldn't that be awesome to find out that we were having twins on my birthday I asked him. I couldn't and wouldn't believe that I was losing my baby. My husband cautiously and encouragingly smiled at me but didn't have much to say. The ultrasound didn't show twins and it didn't show a healthy baby instead nestled in my tube was an ectopic pregnancy.
By this point the pain had dramatically increased and I was doubled over in agony. The next 24 hours was a blur of pain medication that didn't seem to work and surgery. And then before I knew it the nurse was coming in to fill out my discharge the paperwork. I was going home 9 months early and without the healthy baby that I had dreamed about. Yes this was a baby that had only been present in our minds for a short time but that didn't alter the loss that I felt.
I went home and at first I was just stunned. I couldn't believe that so much had changed in such a short time. I held my little girl and ached for a child who was not here. I couldn't cry...I wanted to cry and yet I felt so numb. I wanted to talk about my baby and yet there was really nothing to say. The dream was God and life would never be the same it seemed.
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