Soon after the loss of our baby the numbness wore off. At that point I was angry. Really angry. Angry at God. I had handed him my husband's life on a crystal platter (begrudgingly)....I had been faithful (well sort of)....I wasn't the one who had decided that it was time to have this baby. God had given us this child and God had taken him away. WHY? Why not just not allow us to get pregnant? It just didn't make sense. I was a good mom...I wanted this baby....other people were having healthy babies who didn't even want them.
And while I held things together pretty well on the outside playing the role of the loving christian wife and mother. Inwardly it was a very dark time for me. It was also a very isolating time as I refused to voice these thoughts to others. To this day I'm not sure how this time ended. I know it was a process and I know that it was only through God's grace that today I can say that while I may never fully understand the many whys of life I do trust that God is working all things for my good.
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