As Long As Its Healthy!

"As long as its healthy". The age old response to the inevitable question, "Do you want a girl or a boy?". I get it....I understand the wish behind it. We've all heard someone say it perhaps even said it ourselves. This phrase in and of itself is not a terrible thing to say. Each of us wishes....for ourselves....for those we know....for the precious baby... health. But what are we really saying? And what if that wish doesn't come true?

On the day my son was given a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy many would say tragedy struck. But I want to be perfectly clear that Ryan’s diagnosis was not a tragedy by any means. Each and every one of us has weaknesses and our own unique strengths. And while Ryan’s weaknesses may be more involved and obvious, they’re just a part of who he is and we think he is one amazing little guy!  When I signed up to be a Mom I didn't say as long as its beautiful, funny, smart or successful and I also didn't say as long as its healthy. And when Ryan was diagnosed I didn't feel like I had been cheated or that tragedy had struck. No... on that day I felt LOVE for my son, fear for the uncertainty of his future, and a desire to protect him at all cost. Disappointment didn't even cross my mind because this was my SON we were talking about. My son with his heartwarming and memorable smile, his winning personality that captures everyone he meets, his sense of humor that keeps us all laughing, and his hardworking spirit of determination and perseverance that is beyond belief. My son the most remarkable gift.

So to the parent responding to the query with the response, "as long as its healthy", or those of you huddled over a tiny crib wishing this nightmare would end, to the parent walking of the doctor's office in shock, to those of you hearing the words Cerebral Palsy linked to your child for the very first time let me assure you that it will be all right EVEN if your child is not healthy. In fact it will be more then all right. Your child is an amazing miracle. Don't be afraid to walk in my shoes. If we all responded "as long as its healthy....and received our wish....the world would not have the opportunity to know children like my son Ryan. And that....that would truly be a tragedy.

Anger and Grace (July 08)

Soon after the loss of our baby the numbness wore off. At that point I was angry. Really angry. Angry at God. I had handed him my husband's life on a crystal platter (begrudgingly)....I had been faithful (well sort of)....I wasn't the one who had decided that it was time to have this baby. God had given us this child and God had taken him away. WHY? Why not just not allow us to get pregnant? It just didn't make sense. I was a good mom...I wanted this baby....other people were having healthy babies who didn't even want them.

And while I held things together pretty well on the outside playing the role of the loving christian wife and mother. Inwardly it was a very dark time for me. It was also a very isolating time as I refused to voice these thoughts to others. To this day I'm not sure how this time ended. I know it was a process and I know that it was only through God's grace that today I can say that while I may never fully understand the many whys of life I do trust that God is working all things for my good.

Life Was Good... (May 08)

So life was going great. My husband was not fighting cancer. We were enjoying every minute with our daughter. Everything was perfect. Suddenly the question was raised...when to have another baby? There was never any doubt that there would be another baby as we both love children but all of a sudden we were thrust into trying to determine the proper spacing for our perfect family. What is not too close but not too far apart and what other factors should play a part in this decision? We were not sure....and then rather suddenly it seemed the decision was taken out of our hands....we were pregnant.... and ecstatic. We were convinced that this was the perfect situation as God had taken the decision making out of our hands and obviously said....NOW....now is the perfect time for you to have another baby.

Two weeks later my world fell apart. I had a spurt of bleeding. I went to my midwife and my blood work showed a large amount of hormone but the ultrasound did not show a baby. They told me that I was probably having a miscarriage and that I should go home and rest. I went home and laid on my couch for three days begging God to save my baby. During this time nothing else was going on and I was certain that God was answering my prayers by allowing this baby to live. I was convinced that my dates must be wrong and that explained the ultrasound. Three days later I begin experiencing a terrible pain in my side and I went back in to my midwife. It was my birthday and I was so convinced that everything was going to be fine. As we waited in the ultrasound room I told my husband that maybe the hormone level was so high without showing a baby because it was twins. Wouldn't that be awesome to find out that we were having twins on my birthday I asked him. I couldn't and wouldn't believe that I was losing my baby. My husband cautiously and encouragingly smiled at me but didn't have much to say. The ultrasound didn't show twins and it didn't show a healthy baby instead nestled in my tube was an ectopic pregnancy.

By this point the pain had dramatically increased and I was doubled over in agony. The next 24 hours was a blur of pain medication that didn't seem to work and surgery. And then before I knew it the nurse was coming in to fill out my discharge the paperwork. I was going home 9 months early and without the healthy baby that I had dreamed about. Yes this was a baby that had only been present in our minds for a short time but that didn't alter the loss that I felt.

I went home and at first I was just stunned. I couldn't believe that so much had changed in such a short time. I held my little girl and ached for a child who was not here. I couldn't cry...I wanted to cry and yet I felt so numb. I wanted to talk about my baby and yet there was really nothing to say. The dream was God and life would never be the same it seemed.

The Beginning

Do you ever look back on your life and wonder what happened? Or think about yourself five years ago and feel like you should introduce yourself to that person you used to be? This blog is really just a way to record the up and downs of raising a wonderful little boy who is going to struggle with cerebral palsy and yet the journey began  long ago. And every twist and turn of it prepared us for where we are today.

It's been almost seven years ago now that I married my one true love and as we stood and made our vows to each other everything was rosy and perfect. Amazing jobs, a perfect little apartment, good health and lots of love. We settled into living the dream. We often felt that life was almost too perfect.

Shortly before our second anniversary we decided that we really wanted a baby. I worried that this would be the missing piece to the perfect life. But no almost instantly it seemed we were pregnant and soon found out we were expecting a little girl. We were ecstatic! Ten and a half months later (yeah she was a late one) our beautiful, healthy baby girl was born. We brought her home and couldn't believe how perfect our lives were.

Almost a year later my husband became very ill. Every night he would toss and turn with a high temperature only to have it break in the wee hours of the morning. Test after test was done. The doctor told us it was either a virus, chrohns or lymphoma. I immediately dismissed the idea of the latter two assuming that this was merely a virus. Eventually the decision was made to surgically examine his abdomen. We met with the surgeon prior to the surgery and I asked him what he thought we were looking at. He looked me in the eyes and calmly said I'm 99% sure that he has lymphoma. He then told us to take as much time as we needed in the exam room. I looked at him in disbelief and followed him out as soon as he turned, Why did he think I would want to stand in some examining room? 

I made it to the elevator before I dissolved into tears. This wasn't what I signed up for. This wasn't the way life was suppose to go. My enthusiastic husband held me and told me this was our trial. This was our time to shine. God had never deserted us before and he was not going to now either. Sure...sure I thought. Awesome...awesome. Over the next few days I tried to readjust my attitude. And in my best moments could say I trusted that God would prepare us for whatever was ahead.

When the surgeon came out and told us that my husband did not have Lymphoma but did have Chrohns I could not have been more certain of God's grace and faithfulness. Over the next few months/years we have learned that Chrohns has its own level of trial but for the time all was well in my world. And that is just the beginning of the story. God's goodness in spite of my lack of faith and understanding seems to be a reoccurring theme.